Colin Firth is a motherfudger! Well. Salem's "Colin Firth," otherwise known as Colin Bedford or Sloan's sinister little sod of a brother, is. I hate him, especially now that he's hurt Abe and Paulina-napped the fabulous Mrs. Price-Carver. That's all a big "No, sir. No, you don't!" you British brat. Not that he wasn't hated before, but this is just a lot of extra fuel on the fire. But before we delve deeper into that flaming mother...let's talk about Salem's newest mom...
Sorry, Stefano, but you're not the only one who can surprise Salem with a pop-up spawn. Ms. Hathaway took a page from her Papa Pheonix's book and announced that she's a mother. Her son? Drumroll, please -- it's Dimitri!
While the DiMera Boys Club didn't exactly need another member in that age group, I'm not mad about this, either. In fact, I kind of love it. It certainly secures Megan's legacy and will likely keep her and Dimitri around for a while. Both Miranda Wilson and Peter Porte are fantastic actors and fun to watch, and I can't wait to watch them interact with one another.
Megan and Dimitri are certainly more exciting than watching E.J. and Stefan as of late. Those DiMera bros basically needle each other over a very "coveted position" that's passed around like a dutchie at a Musical Youth concert. Come to think of it, I was DiMera Enterprises CEO for like ten minutes while I was in line for FroYo. It's not a hard job to get. It's just hard to hold on to. Which reminds me, I need to call human resources about my severance package.
Truthfully, though, I'm really, really ready for better storylines for the entire quad of E.J., Nicole, Gabi, and Stefan. The show has four of the best actors in the biz portraying normally complex, fascinating characters and it's basically been months of repetitious bickering for a low-stakes payoff. Like Salem deaths, CEO positions have lost their impact. This quad has turned into a combo of Saturday Night Live's "The Needlers" and "Two A-Holes." It was good for a few laughs, and now, well, next, please.
In happier news: Congratulations, "Stabi!" They're engaged. Sure. They're going to parade it around like a show pony and get what they can get out of it, but with them, there's no doubt love is leading the way. Okay. Love with a dash of greed. Maybe more than a "dash." But love, nonetheless.
Though, while Stefan was charming and such, if I'm being honest, it's like E.J.'s in muh brain. Reading my most romantic thoughts and ticking off my courting checklist. I mean, I've dreamed of the special day that someone I'm in a serious relationship with will say those sappy words to me. You know, basically, let's steal my sibling's engagement thunder by upstaging him and get engaged ourselves. Oh, Mr. DiMera. How could anyone say no to that, you romantic rascal, you!
Eej. Eej, Eej, Eej, Eej...Eej. I'd say, "try harder," but in this case, just "try!" seems more appropriate.
So, while "Stabi" and "Ecole" bicker and boast, I'll be over at the bar with Megan and Dimitri. They've proven they're not afraid to carry the baton of bizarre DiMera dirty dealings. Meg and Di bring the flair, much like Stefano. Grandiose schemes in exotic locations, kidnappings complete with fashion makeovers, sparkly jewelry, and lavish dinners, and always having another ace up the sleeve? Yep. These are Stefano's kin, through and through. Up next, a giant, gilded birdcage? Maybe. Just maybe.
Alas, it looks like Dimitri saved all the posh imprisonment for Kate's dinner, as Andrew's in a dingy room somewhere. Stefano's heir having Shane's son seems wrongly right in the Salemverse. Though poor Andrew! I was wondering why we hadn't seen him riding to the rescue with Steve, Chad, and their tagalong -- really, why is this guy still around? But I digress...
Now we know! Andrew's been abducted! Oh, Paul is not going to like this one bit. I hope that he and John jump into action, much like Chad and Co. did to save Kate. I loved this! Their reunion was great, and Roman and Kate's even greater. I may or may not have misted up during their sweet scene. It was nice to see Roman happy again, and Kate back with her loved ones where she belongs.
Still, Andrew isn't the only one who found himself at the business end of an abduction last week -- Colin's taken Paulina hostage, too. Again, I hate this guy, but I loved all the action last week. This storyline sort of exploded, especially on Friday, and it was amazing and an amazingly well-acted ride!
One, I'm totally Team Jada. She's fabulous. Go. Get. Them, detective.
I love Chanel racing to help her mother, but drats! We were cliffhung. More like ledge hung, as Colin wants Paulina to take the plunge in front of Chanel. Oh, Colin, enjoy that thought for a moment or two. The Price women will fight back harder than your bratty behind can fathom.
Oddly, I don't want Colin to fall to his death instead of one of the ladies. If he "dies," that means he'll return. Instead, let's hope for a coma. They're not only trending right now, but they're handled off-screen, and sometimes, you'll never hear from the character again (remember drug dealer Troy? Exactly!). Again, I digress...
I hate Colin. Did I mention that? I don't think I've ever felt less sorry for a baddie. Like, sure. Colin's sad story checks all the boxes, but then he opens his mouth and does things. He can burn just for the way he's treated Talia, but to lay his hands on Abe and his loved ones!? Unforgivable.
Though while we wait to see what happens on the Salem Inn roof, we still have a little baby bombshell news to dissect. That is, Sloan secured Nicole's secret! The bigger question -- what will she do with it!?
As of now, Sloan said she'd keep the secret. Which, sidebar, I hate to saddle Salem with reality or spoil Nicole's mood, but won't both E.J. and Eric likely ask, "Who's the daddy!?" when she finally reveals her pregnancy. I respect her wanting to wait. It's her choice, but this question is going to be asked. Like, it cannot be not asked, right!? Both men know they've slept with the wonderful Ms. Walker, so, like, they gotta wonder when this baby bombshell falls upon them. There's no way to avoid this particular drama, despite what Sloan says or doesn't say. Anyway.
There're many ways this could play out, and any of them will bring the big dramas into the fold. Sloan could do the old DNA swap and tamper with paternity testing. She could steal the baby or swap it if she's miraculously pregnant, too. There are so many soapy staples to choose from, but whatever happens going forward, I don't think we need to be Celeste, darlings, to predict it's not going to be casually selecting baby names and a fun-filled shower.
Still! I think Sloan will end up being a red herring (again). We'll get a flashback of her telling Colin about the pregnancy during their reunion, and he'll have done his sister a shady solid without her knowing. Her hands won't be clean-clean, but not dirty-dirty, either. She'll be very much the "Abby" role in the iconic Knots Landing storyline involving Val and Gary's newborn twins. All together now in slow motion, "Harry, go! They wanna take the babies!" If you know, you know.
Nicole is one lucky Salemite! She's scored the best proxy parents ever in Abe and now Anna. I enjoyed their scenes so much. Ari Zucker beautifully (and hauntingly) portrayed Nicole's fears regarding this pregnancy. It also hit hard when Nicole stated she "feels so alone." The magnificent Leann Hunley brought in the warmth and humor so wonderfully. I laughed so hard at Nicole's "You're sugarcoating the hell out of that" line. What a delightful duo!
I loved everything about Stephanie's "It's just one bad day" speech! From Abigail Klein's delivery to the message itself, it totally struck a chord. I needed to hear that, too, Steph. Thanks for the motivation!
Paulina also motivated me (and Chanel!) with her great, "Greet the day!" advice. Loved. It.
Speaking of motivation, Brady still wants to move out of his parents' house! Let's not undersell this. It's pretty big, considering he's been a man-child for the better part of the last two decades. Like, he left his grandfather's nest for his parent's nest, and now he wants to build his own for himself and his little creepster. I mean, his little child of joy, Rachie. Welcome to adulting, Brady!
Also, why are Salemites finding their own places when we have the rockstar of real estate, Paulina, in the house? Sure. Rentals might not be a priority for her at this stage in her career, but maybe she has a junior agent who could help.
Seriously, though, I'm firmly standing by my previous statement that Rachel is a creepy AI monster made by Dr. Willy-Helm Rolf. Little Miss Whistleblower's letter to Kristen was hella weird and oddly detailed. Maybe even a smidge savage. Sure, Kristen was impressed, but I think "RACH3L" will someday lead the AI uprising, and it won't be so impressive then, Ms. Blake.
Several characters have brought up this elusive and scary-sounding ISA deep, dark hidey hole where they keep the worst of the worst. Megan's been threatened to be sent there several times, and now Dimitri. Which baddest of the DAYS-verse baddies do you think are being held there? Or perhaps we haven't met some of these petrifying prisoners yet! I'm intrigued.
'Tink, where in the name of Greece do you think Shawn is? More so, Belle could probably find him by calling any number of Salemites who are in Athens right now or seek her ISA superstar daddy on the case, and by that John, will just call Steve. Pump the brakes, Roberta Stack, this isn't an unsolvable mystery.
Though it is a mystery to me why Victor is being such a maláka toward Shawn-Douglas. I'm sure the answer is simply "He's Victor." And Vic gets snarky when concerned. Or when angry. Or when happy. Or when awake. Okay. The guy's just a snarky, son of a skýla most of the time, but I still think it's way harsh to take things out on Shawn. He's doing a bang-up job of beating himself up. He doesn't need his grandfather's help. Be better, Vic.
In the meantime, I'm loving Roman being on his nephew's side. Concerned for Shawn, Roman made me want to give the big guy a hug and say, "Thank you!" Fired up Ro-Ro was just epic.
How was Melinda Trask not struck by lightning when scolding someone else for their "flaming incompetence"!? Take a seat, D.A. Dimly Lit. I swear she's so salivating for strikes against her enemies that she's practically made premature declarations an art form. But, like, bad art. Line up your ducks then waddle in for a win, Mel.
While we're chitchatting about "flaming incompetence," oh, hey, Alex! Didn't see you there.
While bettering oneself through therapy is always applaudable, are we cheering for "Alex 2.0"? Are we? When he stated he almost liked it better when he was "shallow and self-absorbed," I was like, "Oh, buddy, you're still very much self-absorbed. Don't worry."
Seriously, I love Robert Scott Wilson. He's an amazing talent and seems to be an all-around amazing person. I sort of feel bad he's been saddled with both 1.0 and 2.0. Could Alex go back to Phoenix, and, in time, Robert could perhaps return to Salem as Steven Hawk or even come back as Ben. Perhaps Ciara's in London with Chelsea or was turned into an eel after she defaulted on her promise to a sea witch who kept her soul. I dunno. Anything is better than Alex.
And to move on from a loser to an absolute winner, please welcome this week's champ, Doctor Mar Mar "I Did Not Come Back From The Dead For This Nonsense" "Nobody Has Time For This!" Evans-Black! She shut her squabbling children down in 30 seconds flat. They really were acting like the worst. She's the best for calling them out, and she left them better than she found them. Hat tip, M'Lady Marlena.
Though Doc lost her appetite in the process. I should be a gem and swing by Abe and Paulina's place to see if there's any pastries left in case Marlena gets hungry later. Strictly for her sake, of course.
HOT
My hands hurt from applauding the entirety of Team DAYS for a great week, but I jumped to my feet while watching Raven Bowens and Aketra Sevillian! The scenes between Chanel and Talia were just spectacular. Bravo, ladies. Bravo!
NOT
Oof, Nicole. I'm so glad she's grown and evolved, but how can the same schemer who orchestrated a baby swap, tossed together a flesh-eating bacteria tale, and so many more scandalous schemes not remember to take a pill in private!? I'm sure there are a ton of guest bathrooms, but if not, there's an entire tunnel system under the mansion. It's like, lady, you're just trying to get caught at this point.
LINE(S) OF THE WEEK
"I think that was the patron saint of irony." Chloe to Xander
"So much for my shiny new badge." Paulina to Abe
EXCHANGE OF THE WEEK
Kristen: "Dead again? No, no. He's in a coma. Good news, huh?"
Megan: "How is that good news!?"
Kristen: "Comas aren't so bad. I've been in a few myself and, personally, I always wake up refreshed and ready to take on the world."
RANDOM THOUGHTS
I know sometimes Sarah gets sad that she had to give "Mackenzie" back, but seeing how "RACH3L" is turning out, bullet dodged, Doc Horton.
Conversely, Leo and RACH3L hanging out would totally track. They're the worst.
I have an extra room for Chanel if she and her morning pastries want to stay with me.
Does Kate know that Chelsea is pregnant!? I feel like she'd want to stop in London on her way back to Salem.
In case you haven't heard from Roman, Bo's going into a long-term care facility. I don't know if he's mentioned it yet. Or, like, during every scene he's in.
I can't hear "Martha" without immediately thinking of a close friend and the two of us asking in unison, in our best gritty "Batfleck" voices, "Why did you say that name!?"
Are there any Peacock shorts of E.J. in Anger Management and Sensitivity training!? That would be rather funny. There's a hysterical episode of the criminally short-lived show Great News entitled "Sensitivity Training." I just imagine Eej mingling with this group.
That call from Abe was SO frightening!
Sloan was in high school when Colin was a toddler!? Okay. Sure.
Steve's smile when Roman and Kate reunited was the best.
Also, Steve and Kate's reunion was hilarious. I laughed. A lot.
I love seeing Salem's skyline, but it only makes me wonder why everyone lives in a few places and question how a person can get from one place to another so quickly! Maybe the tunnels have reopened for direct passage like in Clue. Or since it's Salem, there could be magical portals.
PARTING THOUGHTS
So, friends and fellow fans, that's it for May 22! Um. I have to go not push Colin off a roof, so please tell the Salem popo I've been on the bench in front of Sweet Bits patiently -- or perhaps not patiently, as that might be more believable -- waiting for it to re-open. And Laurisa will be back next week with my alibi. I mean! My better Two Scooping half will return with an all-new column then. As always, thank you for reading, and "That's a fact."
Tony
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